“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal, not to people or things.” - Albert Einstein
I am what society would call an introvert. I'm also goal orientated, I avoid relying on other people at all costs for fear of being let down & find meaning via internal practices rather than external things. Safe to say I totally see the point of view of the above quote. However, as supposed social creatures, is it really possible for us to thrive without other people?
In 2013 Drake & Dj Khaled teamed up to release a song called "No new friends". Like everything drake’s name is attached to, it quickly became a hit, & a cultural movement. Everyone (me included) jumped on this no new friends hype. At 21 years old I was genuinely convinced that I'd made all the friends I needed to last me a lifetime. Don’t add me on Facebook, don’t try & take my number, don't waste your time trying to get to know me because my friendship roster is full. Then I left university & quickly found out that life isn't about what you know, but mostly WHO you know. This wasn't the worst revelation that could have occurred though as I didn't learn that much at university anyway.
The more I pulled on that thread, the more I realised I wouldn't have gotten anywhere in life without people.
I never would’ve got my first job if I wasn't able to learn the necessary software off of people way more experienced than me.
I never would’ve been able to move to London to do that same job on the wage I was earning if I didn’t know someone, who knew someone else who had a ridiculously cheap room to rent me.
Then when one of the other guys who were living there; fresh from his recent release from prison had another violent episode & tried to fight everyone in the house. Again, I never would’ve been able to move out the next day if I didn't know someone I met at university, who had a spare room available in their house. You can never know too many people. And your ability to create & maintain relationships will have a massive influence on the success & fulfilment you find in your life.
WHY WE NEED FRIENDS
There was a recent study carried out by Harvard that found there was only 1 determining factor for longevity, success & fulfilment in life. That factor that they cross-referenced between all the different people tested, was their ability to create & cultivate a powerful peer group over time. Meaning friendship, community, having people who care about you & people who you care about. And knowing that someone has your back. The study demonstrates that having people to rely on helps your nervous system relax. It helps your brain stay healthier for longer. And reduces both emotional as well as physical pain. It also backs up the idea that in the end, you could have all the money you've ever wanted, a successful career, and be in good physical health. But without meaningful relationships, you won't be happy.
This wasn't just some flimsy study someone conducted outside of a busy London train station at rush hour, awkwardly surveying a bunch of people that were too polite to ignore them once eye contact was made. This study lasted for over 75 years & tracked the physical & emotional well-being of two populations: 724 subjects in total from 1939 to 2014. Due to the length of the research period, it required multiple generations of researchers. Since before WWII, they've diligently analysed blood samples. Conducted brain scans. Pored over self-reported surveys, as well as actual interactions with the subjects. All to compile the findings. I'd say this is a fairly solid study to base an opinion on.
It's lead me to believe that It’s important to continually add new friends to your roster if you want to progress, elevate & maintain a fulfilled life. How many friends are too many friends though? Cultivating & maintaining friendships is hard work. Even more so in today’s social media age where people are more accessible than ever. As a result of this, everyone's networks are already exasperated. How are you supposed to form close meaningful relationships with people, when everyone already has thousands of connections in their phone vying for attention?
THE DUNBAR THEORY
The Dunbar Theory created by Robin Dunbar further highlights the issue facing not just ours, but also the later generations. The idea is that humans cannot have more than 150 acquaintances — or 5 close ride or die friends — due to limitations of brain size, attention span, and the amount of time it takes to nurture close friendships. In case you've never heard of this theory before, Dunbar is a legitimate professor of evolutionary psychology. He’s not just some random guy I met in the pub who had an interesting theory about friendship.
Despite this, I am still slightly sceptical about my own ability to successfully maintain 150 relationships. However, this is just the maximum, I guess no one needs to aim for this number. You just can't realistically have more than this number - unless you have a bigger brain, better attention span & more time than the average human. I know I don't.
If you’re now wondering what type of people you should be looking for to form your peer group, don’t worry I’ve got you. There are 3 main areas. The core philosophy is the learn it, live it, give it principle which I’ve kind of stolen from Jairek Robbins.
LEARN IT TYPE
These are people you can learn from, who might be five or ten steps ahead of you. They've done it. They're killing it at something & you can learn a lot from them.
The best way to form relationships with these people is to study them. If they're well-established individuals who have acquired a certain level of fame, read about them. Listen to their interviews, read their articles. Really get to know what they're about & what makes them tick. The more you learn about them the more you will see that they aren't any different from us. In most cases, they were probably in a worse position than you were at some stage in their life. Learn from their mistakes as well as their success. In this day & age as creepy as it sounds, you don't have to physically spend time with someone in real life to learn from them. Virtual mentors are better than no mentors. Of course, if you want the real-life experience you can always contact them. You've got nothing to lose. Depending on who they're the only way to get a response may be to detail a way you can add value to their life. Elite performers probably get bombarded with messages requesting something from them. Flip the script & offer them something. Go to these people with a potential idea or suggestion that they would want to hear. If you make contact with people with the intention to give rather than take, you’re much more likely to get a response. And even if you don’t it’s cool, no one owes you anything, not even a response. Being left on read isn't nice but unfortunately, it’s part of the culture now.
LIVE IT TYPE
These are the people who are at a similar moment in life as you. They're going through the same battles, the same struggles, the same situations. No matter how big or small you can share anything with these people. They could be thinking about changing jobs or careers, or lifestyle. Essentially someone who you can lean on, trade stories with of what's working & what's not with you & vice versa.
GIVE IT TYPE
And then if you're a giver, these are people who might be 1 or 5 steps behind you. Someone you can help; someone you can share your successes or failures with.
And when you share, it's really important to NOT GIVE LIFE ADVICE. No one is qualified to be a life coach. Don't ever say this phrase - "This is what you need to do..." No one likes that, don't be that person.
Instead, tell them what worked for you, and if it's helpful, they can use it. If it's not helpful, they don't use it. This applies to all of my blog posts also; I’m just sharing my thoughts on ideas that make sense to me. If it doesn’t make sense to you or you disagree then you don’t need to use it. Not everything is for everyone.
DON'T WASTE HUMAN EVOLUTION
Whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert our social network is vital for our health & success. I'm not saying you can't be successful without this, history has proved this with famous introverts who have done unprecedented things for humanity. Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, these are all people who found success in solitude. Success is subjective though & just because you've attained it doesn't mean you're happy.
It's important to remember that the only reason we rose to the top of the food chain was because we underwent a cognitive revolution. This revolution allowed us to cooperate on a much larger scale than our rivals. This led to collective learning & the ability to share, store, and build upon information. And consequently, this is what allowed us to thrive. All I am saying is don’t let years of human evolution go to waste & endeavour to create the strongest peer-group possible. Relationships are complicated & messy but your best life is built on a foundation of good relationships.